Account Manager expecting a busy Friday after spending all week refreshing Sky Sport

From his third-floor desk in the east of London, lifelong Manchester United fan, Allan Jones — or Jonesy as his colleagues call him — can see into the future.

“Yeah there’s just not going to be enough time on Friday, something will have to give”, he tells our reporter. 

Jonesy, born and bred in Barking, came to the realisation this morning over his soy flat white. “I’ve moved everything I can to Friday; the team sales summary for January; The new client check-ins; The full outreach quota for the week; even the weekly stand up from Monday morning. It just won’t all fit.”

“Look, people have been asking what’s going on” continues Jonesy after some thought. “I’ve been making some really vague excuses or just smashing my keyboard to look busy. The trick is to get enough tabs up and then it becomes quite simple, on one tab I have Sky Sports Transfer Centre, then there is the BBC’s Live Show, I’ve got talkSPORT pumping through my airpods, and WhatsApp Web on Chrome. Jumping between them is a full time job.”

“It could all change in one transfer, you know. Klopp wants out, Haaland’s injured, and Big Ange? Man come on, it’s Tottenham. We get ourselves another Berbatov, a Keane, a Cantona, someone to take the league by the scruff of the neck and the title is ours. All this negativity in the media, they always hate Manchester United, but you know how the saying goes — ‘Hated, Adored, Never Ignored’”

“Friday will be tight, getting a week worth of work done before office drinks at 2:00pm is impossible. But it’s Transfer Deadline Day. The window slams shut tomorrow. It'll all be worth it come May, you know?”

As our reporter takes his leave, Jonesy sighs before returning to his tab merry-go-round.